Diplomatic Immunity
by Haurvatat
Summary: Yuuri isn't used to the diseases in Shin Makoku, and so is completely unprepared when a simple illness threatens his life. Being away from Earth doctors also probably wasn't the smartest plan ever. No pairings ConYuu if you squint REALLY hard? . Healer fic/sick fic. Rated for lang.
1. Help, I'm losing, Help, I'm falling

What is this, the third KKM story I've done? Second non-oneshot. No pairings, this time. Just me being an imbecile on my own time.

**Chapter One**

The coughs were small ones at first. Little irritating tickles in the back of Yuuri's throat. He was convinced they would go away if he just drank enough water, or maybe had some pudding to soothe the whatever-it-was. For a while, it worked.

For the record, there is little quite so mortifying as coughing during complete silence. Even worse is coughing during complete silence right after the class has finished watching a short video about how people caused the American Plague of 1912 by not covering their mouths when they coughed. …Awkward. By that time, Yuuri was starting to feel… not so good. His lunch wasn't settling well and for some reason, he was breathing more heavily, which in turn sparked more coughing sessions.

Yuuri was proud to say that he got through the entire school day without heading to the nurse's office. Granted, that was because the nurse's office would call home, and he didn't want his mother having small coronaries if she thought her son was ill, but there was still some pride to be had in not wimping out, as Wolfram might term it.

He was taking the chain off of his bike when Murata sidled up.

"Murata? You walk to school; why are you here?"

It was impossible to see the other boy's eyes with the glare coming off of his glasses. "Shibuya, you aren't ill, are you?"

"Huh? Oh, heavens, no. Where'd you get that idea? Crazy talk is coming out of your mouth right now." Yuuri began to laugh awkwardly, but interrupted himself with another poorly-timed coughing fit. "Before you call me on that, I swear, it's just allergies or something," he said when he could get the words out.

Murata's mouth tightened. "Well, it's the 'or something' part that you might need to worry about. Just don't push yourself, okay? I know Mama-san will have fits, and probably your brother, too, but your health is important."

"I don't have the Black Plague, Murata."

"And I didn't say you did. I just said not to ignore what might be a health problem. Are you sure you're okay biking home?"

"I'm fine. Honest. And besides, it's fifteen minutes by bike, for God's sake. That would take me forever on foot. No, thank you. Careful; your Mommy side is showing."

"You say that like it's an insult!" Murata whined, finally sounding a bit more normal.

"Eh – take it how you will." And with that, Yuuri slung his pack over one shoulder, mounted his bike, and got it rolling down the sidewalk.

It turned out that perhaps walking might have been the better plan. Yuuri's stomach keenly felt every bump and roll in the ground. For some reason, his lungs just couldn't get air very easily, and he had to pant just to keep up his pace. He'd always had a delicate nose, which didn't take in much air, which in turn made him something of a mouth-breather, but there was a big difference between breathing and outright gasping. It was also an issue in that the sudden nausea made him desperately want to close his mouth and keep it closed. Well, that wasn't an option.

Those fifteen minutes did not pass anywhere near fast enough.

He chained up his bike in front of the house, breathing heavily. He knew without mirrors that he must look terrible. He sat there on the ground for several minutes trying to get his breath back, with frequent paranoid looks at the windows in case his mother just so happened to look out of one of them.

He still looked a hot mess when he went into the house, but at least he didn't look ill, which was what he was going for.

"Yuu-chan! We're having curry tonight! Can you help me chop some vegetables, please?" Jennifer asked, sparkling and perfect as usual.

"Er, no thanks, Ma. I've got homework." It was a half-lie. He had some homework, but it was all appallingly easy stuff that he was reasonably certain he could finish in ten minutes. He just really, really needed to lie down. His stomach might stop trying to wring itself out then. A man could hope.

Yuuri flopped down on his bed, more grateful for the cool bedspread than he had ever been in his life. His homework could wait. He could probably do it in the couple of minutes of free time before class started, anyway. It was settled. He was totally going to blow off that worksheet until tomorrow. Or maybe he really _could_ play the sick card and just avoid going to school altogether. There would be no need to do his homework until even later, then. It was strange how nefarious it felt to be playing a sick card even when he was _actually_ sick.

He had no doubts about it now. He was ill with something. Probably just a cold or whatever, but it never hurt to take extra precautions.

_I wonder if maybe Gisella could heal me up if I went to Shin Makoku now…_ Yuuri mused, seriously considering it. He almost laughed. It wasn't like he could come or go at will. He could stick his head in a bowl of water and hope for the best, but that somehow just didn't appeal. Shinou was kind of a dick in how inconvenient his transportation abilities always ended up being. Yuuri would not be the slightest bit surprised if Shinou was secretly trying to screw him over here and there in small ways, if just for the laughs. Maybe Adelbert's unreasonable hate of him wasn't quite so unreasonable.

What he wouldn't give for a nap. Surely if he closed his eyes just for a few minutes…

"Yuu-chan!" his mother's voice called from downstairs.

"God, why?" he whispered. Louder, he called, "Yeah?" He hated how much even something as small as speech utterly drained him.

"Dinner's ready! Even if you're not finished with your homework yet, you need to eat, sweetie!"

Homework? What? Oh… oh, yeah. He _had_ told her something like that, right? "Coming," he called. He really didn't want to. He wanted to go back to sleep and never be vertical ever, ever again. But his mother would come and bother the living crap out of him if he didn't eat dinner. He could eat (even though that sounded like an awful idea, to be frank), down some medicine, and go back to sleep. God, but sleep sounded so incredible right now.

He dragged himself upright, feeling his stomach and head protest. Wait, his head? When had a headache developed? Yuuri groaned. Oh, yeah. Dinner was going to be _awesome_(!)

He should have known that Shori would realise that something was off. He was picking at his food. He was pale. He wasn't speaking much. He was listless and wasn't moving as much as was possible. His mother only picked up on the first one. His father wasn't even there, away on conference in Hokkaido, like he had been all week. Normally, Yuuri supposed his older brother would rat on him at the first available opportunity. He was surprised when Shori said nothing at all, only shooting concerned glances his way and slightly irritated looks his mother's way whenever she pestered Yuuri about how little he was eating.

"Erm… I'm just really not hungry, Ma. I'm going to go upstairs. That okay?" he asked quietly.

"But you've barely eaten a thing, sweetie! Couldn't you please just eat a little more? Just for Mama?" she said.

Shori raised a hand. "Just let it be, Ma. He'll be fine. Besides, you make very large portions, and your curry is very filling. As a matter of fact, I think I'm done as well."

"Eh? But-"

"I'll take your dish to the kitchen, Yuuri," Shori said, quirking a quick smile at his little brother, which Yuuri shakily returned. He appreciated having an ally in the house for once.

He went straight to bed, unable to stomach the thought of actually going through the damn medicine cabinet for the right pill or syrup or whatever-the-hell else was in there. Sleep would fix all his problems, and if it didn't – well, it certainly wouldn't hurt.

Oblivion was nice for a change.

Then he found himself with his eyes open, comprehending vaguely that a glowing '4:32' meant something disgusting and unpleasant, although unable to quite remember why.

He felt awful. If he thought he was nauseated before, it was nothing compared to now. He stumbled out of bed, heading straight for the bathroom. It was lucky he did so, because what little he had eaten for dinner came back up violently. He coughed weakly, seriously considering bursting into tears. But no. That was ridiculous. And besides, that sort of thing shouldn't be a conscious decision. He would just feel silly and he'd had enough of that nonsense for one night. At least neither his mother nor Shori would be awake to witness his chronic pathetic-ness.

His mouth tasted bitter and acrid. Yuuri cupped his hands and used sink water to wash out his mouth. His stomach muscles also hated him from the solid minute or two of heaving. "Fuck my life," he whispered to the toilet, flushing. Normally, Yuuri wasn't one to curse, but these counted as extenuating circumstances. Besides, he was King of an entire country of demons in another dimension. He could do whatever the hell he wanted, in theory.

He could feel that fever that had been so late in coming surging through his body. Yuuri pressed his cheek against the deliciously cool porcelain of the toilet. Sure, it was probably all germ-y and gross, but Yuuri really did not care. His body heat quickly ruined the effect as the porcelain strove to reach thermal equilibrium.

Well… the shower was right there.

The shower had a cold setting.

Nobody was up but him.

…Well, then.

Yuuri climbed into the tub, reaching forward and pulling up the little thing that changed the flow of water to go to the showerhead instead of the faucet, then turning the dial to release a deluge of cool water.

Heaven.

Okay, it was cold as balls for a second or two, but he had just been taken a little by surprise. After having a few seconds to get used to the sensation, it was wonderful. He was still in his clothes. He didn't give a damn. He could just sit there, lying back, not worrying about moving or upsetting his already-agitated stomach.

Alas, he had forgotten about what an ass Shinou could be.

As soon as there was a reasonable one or two inch level of water, Yuuri began to feel a strange sensation of falling through the bottom of the tub.

"Son of a bitch," he moaned before slipping under the water and through the portal.

On a _good_ day, the water portals made his head spin and his stomach churn. Now… it was hell. Again, he contemplated crying like a small child. It was very tempting.

Yuuri could tell from the stars above him in an oddly hexagonal pattern that he was in the fountain in the courtyard of Shinou Temple, and that it was late at night (or perhaps early in the morning – how did one make a distinction?) in Shin Makoku, too.

The water was cool.

He didn't want to get up or out of the fountain.

There was no-one there to help.

And so, Yuuri flung an arm over the side of the fountain base to keep himself from drowning, and went back to sleep.

* * *

(A/N:) You probably don't understand how difficult this was for me to write. I love reading sick-fics, but I have this issue where the mere contemplation of symptoms and their effects on the body and mind kind of makes me develop the symptoms. This means that when I lie to my parents and say I'm sick and have to stay home from school that I actually get sick with all the symptoms I've described for them. They wear off quickly, but it doesn't change the fact that for a few hours, I feel extremely nauseated and achy all over. So, when I was writing this, thinking about how all the symptoms should be effectively described… guess who felt worse and worse and worse as the story went on? Yeah. Difficult story to write. So why did I write it? …If I say "for fun" are you going to laugh at me?


	2. Life is silent, the Earth is calling

**Chapter 2**

Ulrike was often the first to rise in the compound, waking with the sun. Thus, she was the first to discover the accident-prone King of Shin Makoku passed out at the edge of the fountain. She had simply stared at the scene for a few seconds before realising that she really was not that surprised. That, in itself, was worrying.

"Heika?" she called softly. "Yuuri Heika? Are you quite all right? Are you quite certain you want to be sleeping there? That cannot be good for your back."

Yuuri didn't respond. Ulrike smiled vaguely at how sound a sleeper the Maou was. She reached out one of her tiny, delicate hands and shook him slightly. "Heika? I think you might be more comfortable in your own bed, although that is just a guess of mine. Heika? Please wake up now." Still no response. She frowned. The water was not particularly warm, and she actually had no idea how long Yuuri had been there. If he developed hypothermia, it would mean nothing good. She touched his forehead, relieved when he didn't feel all that cold to her. It still would be best to remove him from the fountain as soon as possible. For that, Ulrike would need help.

"Niamh should be awake by now," she murmured, more to herself than anyone else.

She entered the compound once more, knocking lightly on one of the doors. It swung open, an immensely sleepy priestess coming into view. "U-Ulrike-sama!" she gasped, straightening.

"My apologies for waking you, Niamh," she said.

"Not at all, Ulrike-sama. I was already awake. Did you need me for something, ma'am?"

Ulrike chuckled. "It would seem our Maou is taking a nap in our fountain, and I am insufficient for dragging His Silliness out. He may not be very heavy, but I am rather small." She gestured to illustrate her point. "If I may ask some assistance, as well as perhaps a messenger to Blood Vow Castle? I'm certain they will send someone to pick him up soon."

"Absolutely, Ulrike-sama! Right away!"

* * *

Conrad only slightly confused at how early Yuuri had come back to Shin Makoku. Naturally, being a soldier and unable to shake the old habits, he had already been awake when the notice from Shinou Temple arrived. Gwendal had been awake, as well, but Conrad had happily volunteered to be the one to pick up their errant king while Gwendal kept tabs on the goings-on of the castle. If Conrad just wanted to see his godson as quickly as possible, it was not commented upon.

His horse, a beautiful chestnut gelding, seemed pleased to get out his morning jitters and went a bit faster than Conrad had asked of the beast, so they made wonderful time.

When Conrad first laid eyes on Yuuri, he knew something was off.

"May I ask why he is unconscious?" he said.

Ulrike hid a smile. "When I happened across him, he was sleeping in the fountain. I can only presume that he was transported by accident in the midst of sleep and that the journey did not affect his sleepy disposition altogether much. Please don't wake him. He must need his sleep badly," Ulrike said. She also thought Yuuri was absolutely adorable when he was asleep, but refused the say anything to that effect.

Conrad frowned. "I'm sorry, Ulrike-sama, but are you certain he's only asleep? This is… very unusual."

"Hm? What do you mean?" Ulrike began to pick up on the tiniest whiff of urgency.

Conrad crouched down by the Maou, laid out on one of the guest beds Shinou Temple had. He gently laid a hand over Yuuri's forehead. His eyes widened.

Yuuri was on fire.

Just to be certain, he felt his own forehead, then Yuuri's once more. There could be no doubt. Yuuri had a very dangerous fever. His face was pale, except for two flushed spots on both cheeks. His breathing sounded a little different, a little more constricted than normal.

…Well, bollocks.

"I need to take him back to Blood Vow Castle now. He's very ill, and has a terrible fever," Conrad said quietly.

Ulrike gasped. "What? But I swear, there was no fever when I attempted to wake him earlier! I'm certain of it! He felt perfectly normal!"

"After being in cold fountain water for who-knows-how-long?" Conrad asked.

Ulrike's eyes widened as she realised her mistake. He had only seemed normal to the touch because the frigid water had chilled his skin. The fever had raged undetected thus far, and the unexpected nap in the fountain probably had not helped in the slightest. "Oh, Heika…" she whispered. "Forgive me."

"You've done nothing for which you would need forgiveness. I just need to get him to Gisella quickly," Conrad said.

He pulled back the covers, noting that someone had thankfully dried off the Maou and changed him into dry garments. Conrad gently edged his hands under Yuuri's back and under his knees, gently carrying the prone boy out to his horse.

Mounting the horse with Yuuri in tow was something of an adventure, but with some finagling, it eventually happened. They had been forced to tie Yuuri's torso to Conrad's with Conrad's belt to keep him upright. Conrad could only pray his pants were fitted enough that they wouldn't fall the instant he dismounted at Blood Vow Castle. He had no desire to bare himself to the entire establishment.

"Rumi," he said to the horse, "gently now."

The horse listened, for the most part, still a bit tired from the previous exertion. Still, fifteen minutes or so after their departure, Yuuri stirred.

"Mmmmmmgh," he moaned in a keening whine.

"Heika? Are you all right?" Conrad asked.

"Do I look all right?" Yuuri mumbled. "And 'Heika' ain't my name…"

Conrad almost chuckled. Yuuri _would_ be the type to fixate on that detail even when ill. "You are very sick. We're going to Blood Vow Castle now. Gisella should be able to help."

"Conrad… please slow down. I feel terrible. Like, I can't even see straight. My stomach is going on this massive tirade of 'fuck you' and I just-" Yuuri burst out in harsh coughing – "I just super-duper can't deal with anything right now. Even talking is nauseating. That said, I'm gonna shut up."

"I will try to go slower, Hei… Yuuri."

"Mm."

And with that, to all appearances, Yuuri passed out again.

* * *

Laid out in the royal bed, Yuuri looked a hell of a lot smaller and infinitely more fragile. If Conrad's protective streak hadn't kicked in before, it certainly had now.

Gisella pulled up a chair onto which she placed her medical bag. "So… I was wondering when something like this would happen."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed. "The Maou has been awfully resistant to Shin Makoku's diseases, wouldn't you say? How many months has he been with us? In perfect health, might I add? I've only had to see to injuries, not illnesses. I was wondering if maybe Heika was healing his own illnesses and not asking me for help. I was beginning to feel all useless," she said. "Although, of course, I'd rather he keep his health than be seriously ill."

"Naturally."

She placed a hand on Yuuri's forehead. Her lips thinned. "…Is his hair wet?"

"Heika travels through water, Gisella."

"And he isn't dry yet?"

Conrad frowned. "Well, according to Ulrike-sama, he was found early this morning asleep in a fountain. It is unknown how long he was there."

Gisella gave him her Sergeant I'm-Going-to-Kill-You-for-Being-a-Thrice-Cursed-Imbecile look. "You could have stood to mention that a little sooner," she said coldly.

"Er – yes, ma'am."

"Anything _else_ I should know about?"

"He woke up on the ride back and mentioned severe dizziness, nausea, and he was coughing as he said it," Conrad said.

"And you were going to tell me this _when_, exactly?"

"As soon as possible, Gisella." Conrad was starting to wonder if it had been a rhetorical question.

He was saved from Gisella's next vitriolic comment with a burst of coughing from the figure on the bed.

"Heika!"

"Heika!" Gisella tried to help Yuuri sit up to more easily clear his throat, but was having trouble. Conrad hurried to the other side of the bed to help. It was obvious that Yuuri couldn't support any of his own weight. "Heika, it's Gisella. Can you hear me?"

"Ngh… mm… Gi-Gisell…a…" Yuuri's head lolled as quiet mumbles escaped him. His voice seemed much higher pitched than it had before.

"Heika, you're ill. Can you tell us how you're feeling?"

Whatever Yuuri was mumbling, it wasn't any recognisable language. His hand groped blindly for Conrad's hand, and Conrad suddenly recalled Yuuri's previous comment about the dizziness impeding his vision. He gripped the young boy's hand tightly in his own. A tiny smile appeared on Yuuri's face, and he leaned into his protector unconsciously.

"This is very bad," Gisella murmured.

"He wasn't this bad off when he woke up earlier," Conrad said. "He was perfectly cognisant then, I swear. He spoke in full sentences that made sense, although it seemed as though he had just as much trouble sitting up then as he is now."

Her jaw tightened. "I think the fountain may have controlled his fever for a time. Whatever he was like before, he's worse now. Lean him back on the pillows. Grab some more from over there. Sit him up. I don't want him choking on something. In the meantime, I'm going to need willowbark tea."

"Tea?"

"Willowbark. Increases blood flow and can help to lower fevers. And if you find some pudding, bring that, too. His cough sounds terrible and he'll need something to soothe it." She smiled lightly. "If I recall, Yuuri Heika is fond of chocolate flavour."

Conrad bowed slightly, and left for the kitchens.

As soon as the door closed, he no longer attempted to hide his shaking hands.

He had felt with his own fingers how much Yuuri's fever had grown. It was the sort of fever that, if raised any higher, could potentially cause brain damage. He had seen it happen before, mostly to the very young or the very old, who could do little to regulate their internal body temperatures. He trusted Gisella, but Conrad couldn't help the tight feeling in his gut that something terrible had landed on his doorstep.

As a soldier, one quickly learned to trust that sense, or one died. Conrad had never wanted to be rid of that sense so badly before.

He just had to have faith in Gisella.

And in Yuuri.

Especially Yuuri.

He wasn't going to lose to nonsense like a fever.

Conrad was being stupid.

Probably.

* * *

(A/N): I hate how I'm writing this, but I don't know how to fix it. How does one show the formality that everyone in Shin Makoku uses (except for Yuuri and Greta, pretty much) without sounding... well, prissy? Yuuri's normally the one to break that prissy vibe, but he's a bit out of commission right now. Those who are familiar with my writing know that I am boss with informal banter. There's not gonna be any of that here, or if there is, it's going to have to be very light. I am so out of my writing comfort zone, it's not even funny.

On the other hand, when I first thought up the title, you have no idea how much cackling I did. Even if the rest of this fic is utter bollocks (and I have a terrible feeling it will be), the title is genius. For this I accept full credit.


End file.
